If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
– Woody Allen
Hi guys, have you ever hated or strongly doubted God? I have. I had very good reasons to.
Here’s the broad strokes of my story.
From excelling in many categories of life, even wanting to be a missionary doctor at one point, to years of a steadily excruciating debilitation. Burns and inflammations covering 70% of my body due to a faulty autoimmune system (Eczema) that worsened every year from 1999. At it’s worst, I spend most of 2008 and 2009 stuck in my bedroom, writhing in pain. I lost career, health and friends.
When my brain was not feeling numb by the painkillers and searing pains, I felt betrayed by God.
Children ran away after looking at my face. Medical experts were limited yet they sent me to a shrink because they reasoned I was the reason that I couldn’t recover. Friends and family thought I wasn’t working hard enough to get well. Atheists mock me wondering where my God was. Christians thought I was not praying hard enough, not having enough faith, or I had the wrong faith. Degrees upon degrees of rejection overlaid with physical debilitation and a story that didn’t make sense to the world around me. I became a pariah. This was my Abyss.
In fact, my story has been so unimaginable that I’ve been given the name “The modern day Job” by some people who know my story.
I lost my career, many relationships. However, it was so bad that many months I couldn’t even smile or when I typed on the keyboard, I used 2 fingers. This was because my mouth and lips were cracked, as well as my fingers. People thought I stopped communicating because I wanted to, this was the furthest from the truth. I finally understood what dignity was, after I lost it.
All this while, my hope was being challenged because I’ve sought all sorts of remedies from medical specialists to supplements to even have all sorts of people pray over me. Though I could see some meaning in my journey at times, by and large, there was an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. With every failed medical treatment, spending of thousands of dollars of treatment and still getting worse, and more and more people casting me aside … I descended more and more into the Abyss.
The Abyss culminated in 2 whole years being imprisoned within the four walls of my bedroom. There seemed to be nothing left to grasp on to. My body was wasting away – flesh peeling off. Blood and plasma dripping. Mind gone numb due to the high concentrations of drugs and medicine in my system. My body was covered with searing burns. I felt like a Walking Dead. This was The Room.
Yet, it was in this Room where Redemption all started.
To others, this was a time where I was nowhere to be found. I was forgotten. “Boo Radley” becomes more and more irrelevant to the world. In truth, this was the most challenging, life-changing journey. It was a deadly spiritual war while being the most mind-bending odyssey of my imagination, mind and spirit. Like Neo and the Matrix, I had to traverse spiritual truths, and let the outcome of this heavenly journey corresponded to real effects on earth.
However, in the Abyss is where I found a Jesus that I never knew before. A Grace that I never knew before. This grace did what doctors couldn’t – I have to testify that only as recent as 1 year ago, my health has made a major recovery. This has stumped many people, including the doctors that have been attending to me for more than a decade. And some pastors as well, since I wasn’t a “good” Christian as I couldn’t attend regular church or be a part of their prayer or worship meetings.
It brings a smile to my face, in a tragically sad way, when Christians who knew me before are so surprised to see the new me ask me “which prophet prayed for you”? Or doctors trying to belittle this abnormal situation of recovery by saying “it’s just psychosomatic”, or “lack of stress”. It’s none of those.
Aren’t we glad that being trapped in a bedroom, but having a Bible and a loving God with a promise through Jesus is enough to reverse a history of mistakes? It is not how much you pray, or how “spiritual” you are. It is not your works, for you can’t deserve it. It is how well you know Jesus and the Grace He has. That’s why I want to unveil Jesus. It transforms. It redeems. He saves. For too many churches sacrifice teaching what the Bible really says about the Gospel of Grace to conform it to their experiences, rather than let the Gospel speak for itself and let it transform your experiences.
To those who have had no agony Jesus says, “I have nothing for you; stand on your own feet, square your own shoulders. I have come for the man who knows he has a bigger handful that he can cope with, who knows there are forces he cannot touch; I will do everything for him if he will let Me. Only let a man grant he needs it, and I will do it for him.”
Oswald Chambers, The Shadow of an Agony
When my book comes out, you’ll see what I discovered while in the Abyss that changed my mindset, my heart and destiny. I have shared part of this “Bible study” to Christians from Singapore to America, and most of them were pleasantly surprised because they realized what I spoke was from the Bible, but haven’t quite heard anyone “put them together” the way I have. You’ll see how I went from fallen pariah to having health restored and dual careers as a big data analyst and consulting on money management, while writing this book.
But this page is about redeeming the memories of the past and connecting the dots of God’s redemptive plans in our lives as well as starting again. I really only regained a “normal” life only last year in 2015! Yup. Living alone without help, working day-to-day for the career, even the thought of dating (it’s scary!).
And I do remember more than a decade of always hoping, and getting disappointed again and again. It’s hard, I know. I understand. So I hope this page can encourage your journey and help you to hold on until your ultimate breakthrough comes.
It will come. I didn’t believe it until now… but it took almost 15 years.
And, when your breakthrough comes, I can’t wait to hear your story.
Thanks for coming to the page… do share anything that encourages you, comment and like. It would also help me a great deal if you could follow my blog through email, it’s more precious than you know.
Ken aka The Modern Day Job.
PS: This website is still a work-in-progress. I will still be adding and changing material. I decided to open this page to the public even though it’s far from complete. It makes it all more personal.
Here’s a link to my letters to you.
Here’s a link to my blog.